untitled work early 2010

You invaded my heart
You invaded my head
Try to shut you out
Wishin' the love I had was dead.

How can love
Have you all fucked up
In your mind it feels good
But you're heart is torn up

I gotta somehow let you go
Gotta let you be
Force myself to create a distance
Between you and me

But even if you're out of sight.
Can I get you out of mind?
I been trying to for so long,
It consumes so much of my time.

I know what once was
Will never again be.
I realized who you were back then
And I know you ain't good for me.

So I have to take my heart back
Place it under lock and key.
In hopes that one day a good man
Will come and set it free.

~J

A connection...

We knew of each other
A whole life time ago
Who knew we would connect again
And an attraction would soon grow.

Tho limitations were set
We knew it couldn't be
Yet this attraction
Was stronger than you and me.

Still in the early stages
don't want to assume or predict
But just sail with the wind
As we enjoy the infatuation cruise ship!

Don't ever let me go.
I want to live in his embrace.
Absorb myself in his essence'
Be each others saving Grace.
His words caress my senses,
My vitality is renewed.
To make him my reality,
Is something I must do.

Untitled

I gave you my heart.
10 years.
From the start,
I was all in.

I encouraged your ability
wanted you to feel
More than a Man,
never less,
I did my best.

Would have done anything
You hear me!
A-N-Y-T-H-I-N-G
To make you happy,
only wanting in return
for you to love me.

Love me as I loved you
no reservations
no heistations
unconditionally.
But selfishness interfered
guess it was never to be.

10 years,
you bruised my heart
and my body,
with each strike
killing off a piece of
me.

And still I loved.
I believed.
Despite your blame,
and feeling the shame.
That inside, you too loved me.

But as parts of me died
so did my love.
A chill came over my heart
emotion faded to black..
My turn to be on the attack.

Yet all I could do
was protect my heart
I built a wall,
each day,pusing farther.
Survival mode, protecting me.

Soon everyone became my enemy.

So I isolate, surrounding
myself with a select few.
Who never really knew.
Still dont feel safe,yet myself
I cant totally displace.

Now Im in the "process"
Trying to "progress"
pulling myself out of the regress.
Making sure this time my kindness
wont be my weakness.

Im learning forgiveness.
Im evovling everyday.
Hoping one day
I will feel OK..
in my Own.

An ode to my "friends"

Your soft blue color it calls my name

It eases the mind and my stress is tamed

Relaxation takes over my mind and sight

I'm feelin good in the day and the night

When life is too much to handle or bear

I see you and comfort is right there

And when you aren't accessible to me

A bottle of Henny knows where to find me.

He makes me warm and all fuzzy inside

I can always rely and in him I confide.

For you both keep my secrets and never lie

You erase the thoughts of wanting to cry.

My reliable friends how can I thank you?

But to Indulge and partake as I usually do

untitled ( older work )

Sometimes I think I'm crazy
or Bipolar, or skitzo or manic.
I strive to be a perfectionist
and some really think I am it.
"She can cook, she can write,
She can sure bake a Cake"
"she's a 'nurse', she gives advice
Oh she's just so really GREAT!"
"She's a super mom, she's an artist
Man I couldn't do what you do!"
"She's a true friend, she'll always be there
And she's got all the answers too!"
But they don't see the real me
the one who feels so fake.
The one who's been suicidal and depressed
Over stresses she just cant take
Do they see the sad me, the angry one
who just feels like she can't do right?
The one who keeps things bottled in
But let's it flow in her tears at night?

unwriters block.... (older random stuff)

I havent been able to write
So something bust be wrong.
You can tell by how my heart
Is pouring out its sorrow song.